Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I had a Huge A-Ha Moment

(Warning...this is a very long, wordy post!:)

I had a HUGE A-Ha moment last night.
I paid off a loan yesterday. The last $1000 and pennies owed on it. This loan was taken out about three years to start my licensing career. I was working with a licensing consultant and she was expensive. There was her hourly rate, designers and digital manipulation fees, portfolio and printing charges, travel expenses, a babysitter, etc. I took out a lot of money. With the hopes and dreams that I would be a very successful licensing artist. That I could work from home and make a lot of money.

I worked with the licensing consultant for almost a year. I traveled to the Atlanta Gift Show and CHA in California. Worked full-time for four months straight on a "million dollar" deal. And then the company went bankrupt and I was left with nothing.

I was out of money and time. My Dad passed away and then one month later I found out I was pregnant with Jackson. It was time to let the dream go.

I told my husband last night that I had paid the loan off and he said "Don't you feel great?" I was kind of taken aback. I really didn't feel great. Taking out that loan was a hasty decision, and a gamble at best. I felt like I had let my family down. I felt like I was taken advantage of. I thought about all the money "wasted".

But he assured me that I should feel good. It was over. The decisions had been made and through many lessons learned the financial burden was over.

All of a sudden I had a very profound a-ha moment.

My self-worth has been wrapped up in my "success". And when the deal fell through, I felt like a failure. Through all my artistic accomplishments, I have never felt like it was enough. I would finish one goal, and then set my standards higher. This is a pressure I put on myself. No one else was telling me these things.

Wow, I am feeling a lot lighter today. I still have a dream to be a licensed artist. I think it would be really cool to walk into Hallmark or a bookstore and see my items for sale. But I surely am not willing to put my family's finanical health in jeopardy again. I am not willing to work 18 hours a day 7 days a week to see it happen. And I am definitely not willing to trade my self-esteem or self-worth for a contract.

God is good. We go through trials and tribulations for reasons, and even when we don't know why, He is there waiting, holding our hands, telling us that it will be okay. I think I got this one:)


Hollis said...

This is so true. What a great achievement finally being able to pay off and close that chapter of your life. You should feel good. And you should be proud of yourself for taking that chance in your life. Most people don't put themselves out there. they don't take the chance to succeed or fail.
Thanks for sharing. I am so grateful as well for God and knowing who he is. Life is sweet!

Tess said...

Take a look at your blog page. What do I see? I see a woman who has published three books. I see a woman of faith AND FAMILY. I see a fantastic artist. I see a successful artist... What do you see? Look through others eyes and see the many goals you have met and shared. You did not fail your quest, the company that went bankrupt did. That action was not in your control, was not foreseen. Give your husband an extra big hug when he gets home tonight. He is a real keeper... And give yourself a big hug for dreaming it and attempting it. Your art is out there, you are out there. This dream is not over, just on hold. God will give you what you can handle, in His time... :)

Heidi said...

Do you know that Walt Disney went bankrupt? I think it was like three times. Vice Pressident Joe Biden's mother just passed away and her words to her son "Failure at some point in your life is inevitable, but giving up is unforgivable." When I heard this I thought what a great message for our kids and ourselves. :)

luci said...

hi chrissie - thanks for your openness today. wow, I am sorry you went through this - however, what a great job you have done in paying it all off - and for your son jackson too. i thought tess' comments were great btw! oh and I did some art - not embroidery this week - oops - but I had fun! thanks for your inspiring blog and ideas too.

lori vliegen said...

wow, chrissie......through this post of your a-ha moment, you've offered me an a-ha moment of my own!!! thank you SO much for speaking from your heart and sharing awesome it is that God has put us all in each other's paths!!! hugs, :))

Sara - The Football Wife said...

Chrissie, I hate that that happened to you. It seems too often that you see people use their life's savings to chase after a dream. What Tess said is why we all read your blog! You inspire others!!

Kitt said...

An A Ha moment you say... your post made me think of a scripture which I had to search in the Bible for to quote. I could not find it by using the key word search so I just gave up and started reading... and there it Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." My A Ha moment happened at verses 26 and 27.First the Lord led me to those verses which were just right for me today and then gave me a p.s. and said the verses you were looking for are just below. God is so GREAT!!!!

sara's art house said...

Great post, Chrissie! That is what Dave and I are realizing now....he quit his job a year ago so that we could work on our music and art and make a living from it- it is not happening fast enough to fully support us and he is having to go back to work :( He has a better attitude about it than I do (thank goodness for our positive husbands) and he says it is just another bend in the journey.

For you too- God has BETTER plans! :)

asnipofgoodness said...

Good post, great lesson, fantastic God!

Cloth Doll Lover said...

Thank you so much for sharing this little piece of your heart...I thouroughly enjoyed you lovely hearfelt words.

Anonymous said...

Good for you!!! I did one of the same things. borrowed alot of $$ to start my own business and it only lasted about 2yrs - my loan lasted a lot longer. I felt like a failure also because my DH worked and slaved to help me pay it off. It was extremely hard but I learned a good lesson too! God is GREAT!!!!