Thursday, July 1, 2010
Contemplation and REALLY learning to trust (or, Turning 35)
Almost a year ago I was contacted by a very reputable card company who was interested in my art. I worked with an editor for about four months and we put together a small line of about 8 cards. The cards went out for a market review back in October.
I got news this week that the cards didn't score high enough in the market review for the company to license the line. I have to say that the experience I had developing the line was wonderful. I learned a lot! The editor I worked with was gracious and knowledgable and taught me so much. But I will admit that when I heard the news I was so very disappointed. Licensing has been a dream of mine for so long now.
So when I celebrated my 35th birthday a couple of days later (yesterday) I was in a very contemplative state. I've been praying for this dream to become a reality for a long time now. I laid in bed that night and I asked God if this is what He wants me to do. Should I keep working as an artist, trying to gain a licensing deal? Maybe I could take the line and market it myself. I thought God did not place a dream in your heart without a reason.
And then I heard, clear as day, Trust Me, child. Give your heart fully to me and I will help you.
Now let me be clear when I say that being a mother and wife is my full time job. My family is my number one priority and I am confident that God and I can agree on that.
Writing books and creating art is something that I love to do. But apparently God has something else in store for me.
I have to say with an honest and open heart that letting go is very hard for me. What if God has different plans for me? What if creating art for a living is not what he intends? What if what he intends for me is crazy and unexepected and not what I have been yearning for and working for? Or what if it only to care for my family right now and not follow my own dream?
So when I heard it...Trust Me, child, I wanted to say, Ok. Here is my heart and soul. I am YOURS. I trust you completely. Do with me what you will. I trust that you have a plan for me.
Friends, I am not 100% there yet. But I see that. My prayer now is: God, please soften my heart. Please take away the anxiety I feel about not being the one in supreme control. I pray that the strength will come soon when I can leave my comfort zone and say, "I trust you fully".
And it will come. I am certain of that.