I definitely never planned on writing this post.
But here I am. I read Shauna's post earlier and it hit me that it's time to share my story.
See, I'm learning to listen to God. And I see that listening also involves obeying. So, while it's uncomfortable for me, I'm hoping that by giving you my story that maybe one of you will feel...less alone.
Unless you are one of my real-life friends or family members, you probably don't know that I was married before. My first husband fathered Logan, my oldest child.
My first husband, Nate, committed suicide almost eight years ago.
I don't think I've ever written that before. It still hurts to say it. It sometimes still feels like perhaps it didn't really happen? But it did. And out of it, much pain. Much grief. Much shame. Much guilt. Much sorrow. Much anxiety. But also, much healing. Some lives saved. Including mine.
I don't want to get into a lot of details, because it isn't just my story to tell. Nate had parents, and siblings, and children. He had a lot of friends. I don't feel like telling the whole story is really fair to everyone involved, because they all have their stories too. But I can tell you a little.
We had been seperated for almost six months leading up to his death.
But I want you to know that suicide can leave those left behind reeling in disbelief...
To this day I am still dealing with many issues of the whole situation.
Before his death I did not Know God. I was young and immature. I was self-centered and selfish. I did not realize that I could be forgiven.
I tell you all this story only because I felt led to.
I want you to know that if you have experienced a loved one take their life that it is not your fault. You can take responsibility and accountability for mistakes in your life, but you cannot blame yourself for someone else making that final choice.
I want you to know that if you are contemplating suicide, there are other answers. If it is even a thought in your mind, please tell someone. Please get help. You have your whole life ahead of you. I promise you, it CAN get better.
This is the whole reason why my blog is coined "in His grace". I don't know where I would be without the grace of God. I do not deserve the life I have. My husband is an angel here on earth. I have been blessed with healthy, beautiful children. I have the pleasure to stay at home and take care of my family. I have been blessed with the ability to express myself through art. Of course life is not perfect...but I could go on and on about how grateful I am.
I don't want Nate's life to be in vain. He was a vivacious, wonderful man. He left behind a legacy of laughter. I hope that my story has given some of you that are dealing with similar pain a glimmer of hope.
I will hit publish with a pit in my stomach. I pray for each and everyone of you...