Thursday, January 6, 2011

in His grace

I definitely never planned on writing this post.

But here I am.  I read Shauna's post earlier and it hit me that it's time to share my story.
See, I'm learning to listen to God.  And I see that listening also involves obeying.  So, while it's uncomfortable for me, I'm hoping that by giving you my story that maybe one of you will feel...less alone.

Unless you are one of my real-life friends or family members, you probably don't know that I was married before.  My first husband fathered Logan, my oldest child.

My first husband, Nate, committed suicide almost eight years ago.

I don't think I've ever written that before.  It still hurts to say it.  It sometimes still feels like perhaps it didn't really happen?  But it did.  And out of it, much pain.  Much grief.  Much shame.  Much guilt.  Much sorrow.  Much anxiety.  But also, much healing.  Some lives saved.  Including mine.

I don't want to get into a lot of details, because it isn't just my story to tell.  Nate had parents, and siblings, and children.  He had a lot of friends.  I don't feel like telling the whole story is really fair to everyone involved, because they all have their stories too.  But I can tell you a little.

We had been seperated for almost six months leading up to his death. 
But I want you to know that suicide can leave those left behind reeling in disbelief...
To this day I am still dealing with many issues of the whole situation.
Before his death I did not Know God.  I was young and immature.  I was self-centered and selfish.  I did not realize that I could be forgiven.

I tell you all this story only because I felt led to. 
I want you to know that if you have experienced a loved one take their life that it is not your fault.  You can take responsibility and accountability for mistakes in your life, but you cannot blame yourself for someone else making that final choice.
I want you to know that if you are contemplating suicide, there are other answers.  If it is even a thought in your mind, please tell someone.  Please get help.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  I promise you, it CAN get better.

This is the whole reason why my blog is coined "in His grace".  I don't know where I would be without the grace of God.  I do not deserve the life I have.  My husband is an angel here on earth.  I have been blessed with healthy, beautiful children.  I have the pleasure to stay at home and take care of my family.  I have been blessed with the ability to express myself through art. Of course life is not perfect...but  I could go on and on about how grateful I am.

I don't want Nate's life to be in vain.  He was a vivacious, wonderful man.  He left behind a legacy of laughter.  I hope that my story has given some of you that are dealing with similar pain a glimmer of hope. 

I will hit publish with a pit in my stomach.  I pray for each and everyone of you...
Much love,


Christi said...

Beautiful words Chrissie.

Angela Nash said...

Thank you for listening to the Holy Spirit - I expect your sharing will help somebody who needs it most.

Unknown said...

this is so very generous.
thank you for chancing this very personal information with us, so that we can learn from you.
thank you for taking this hardship and turning it into inspiration.
i am grateful.
you are truely beautiful.

Beth said...

wow! my family has been touched by suicide on both sides. it is such a tricky, touchy thing. thank you for sharing! GOD is GOOD!

TheNormanFive said...

Chrissie, thank you for this post. I have never had someone commit suicide but I do know about listening to God and letting him be in control. That is what I am trying to do. I teach 6th grade and I have had several kids this year talk about suicide and it just breaks my heart for them to feel this way. May God Bless You

Diva Kreszl said...

sweet Chrissie, in sharing your story you may be helping countless others...I do so understand God's saving Grace for I too would not be where I am without it. Bless you and your family, holding you all in prayer.

Leslie @ top of the page said...

Thanks for sharing this Chrissie. You are so brave. (I'm visiting from Shauna's blog and will eventually post my linky too on her post.) I just wanted to say that God will most certainly bless your obedience and the pain will not be wasted. You may never know who you encouraged or possibly saved. But He does.

Jill said...

big *hugs* sweet friend!
Many Blessings!

Heather @ Life Made Lovely said...

i'm so glad you shared part of your story chrissie! i know how hard it is to not just listen to God, but to obey, but i know without a doubt that by sharing this part of you that people will be helped in ways you can't even imagine.

Cindy said...

I believe there is healing in telling one's story like this. God's grace is a powerful thing.

sara said...

thanks for sharing that, Chrissie- I can see God's blessing on your life.

Ruth said...

What a difficult thing to share. Your openness will lead to healing for someone who is hurting.


Live a Unique Life said...

Wow thank you for sharing youre story. I was touched by this.
Love and blessings to you and youre beautiful family,
(from Shaunas sister) Valerie

Unknown said...

I just saw your blog on Kimberlys page and thought Id come and have a look. Im so so sorry what happened. That had to of been and always will be a deep hurt. What would we do without Jesus? His Grace His healing and the HOPE that when it all feels wrong and we are afraid that in His boat it will all be ok. Its a scarey world out there too but Praise the Living God!! His promises and His forgiveness! And a hope beyond our wildest Dreams He has for His! I send some huggs tho you dont know me I will say...ox Janet xo